Unlocking Your Soul
Last night I had a dream about my divine masculine's mother. It was...pretty great. The thing is, however, I've never met her in person. I don't even know for sure what she looks like, and I know the woman in the dream wasn't necessarily "her" in physical body as she lives now, but she was awesome. She was younger and looked a lot like my TF/DM.
I can't remember the entirety of the dream, but I woke up from it very rapidly, remembering the dream as though I had just been in another time and place--and space, perhaps. Yet, the overall theme was for me to get to know her and for her to get to know me. She was youthful, energetic, kind, serene, open and...peaceful. I remember telling her how much she looked like her son, and how thankful I was for her to have had her son. She and I became great friends. While I can't remember all we talked about, I remember smiling and laughing with her. I remember her positive energy. She gave us her blessing. She liked me, I remember, and I was also kind of shocked about how much I liked her. I remember saying "But you look so young!" and she laughed at that--but because she knew that she looked young, was proud of it, and agreed with me. I loved it.
Writing about this now, however, it hit me that perhaps this wasn't his mother; perhaps this was his feminine energy. Perhaps this was the divine feminine that lives within him--she is youthful, has long, curly brown hair, smiles and laughs with ease, is kind and likes to make jokes, is happy to welcome you into her arms. I mean, the resemblance was almost uncanny when I think of the physical comparisons in the face and facial expressions. But if this my TF's divine feminine energy, it makes me so happy to see her so healthy, so balanced, so positive--so free. Truly, I felt it and feel it, still. If that is the case, then perhaps his balance of energies is coming to fruition.
I write about this "balance" today from a vantage point that suggests that I am not too far ahead. In fact, I don't think there's really a "forwards" or "backwards" linearity to our movement of spiritual growth. Let's call it an "unlocking" of our inner/true selves; maybe I've unlocked a piece or two more than he has up to this point. At the same time, if we are one spirit, any time I unlock pieces of myself, I'm unlocking pieces for him, too. Perhaps we are meant to unlock different pieces of ourselves so that we can become whole. Perhaps there are keys only fashioned for me to unlock parts of our soul, and there are parts for him to unlock. Together, we can unlock both, simultaneously. That has to be it.
This whole time, I've felt like I've been the leader of this process. Yet when I look back on everything, I see now that he's been "dancing" with me this whole time (this fits right in with my "energy dance" analogy from yesterday). Neither of us has been "leading" the whole time--we've been switching roles, moving footsteps, changing the music.
In the beginning...
My Twin Flame taught me about patience. He taught me about forgiveness by never judging me. (It was like he identified with me, too, and could forgive me through himself.) He taught me about what it means to "go slow" with physical intimacy. He allowed me to feel as though I could share the pieces of me that I held underneath the surface could come to light. He gave me the space to work through my own feelings while I went through a divorce. He knew. He knew the whole time, perhaps instinctively, that I was in a vulnerable place. He didn't want to take advantage of me while I went through this challenge.
HOLY SHIT. I just realized that his instincts about me were spot-on. Mine are spot-on about him. His vulnerability comes when he allows himself to loosen up after a few beverages (not saying he's an alcoholic, but it did affect his ability to be open). And when he was pretty drunky, I never wanted to take advantage of him because I knew that he was vulnerable in that state. So when he'd say "I'm sorry" or confess things to me, I only listened. I didn't probe. I didn't question. I didn't ask him questions just so that I could listen to the things I wanted to hear (the things my ego wanted to hear, to be exact). My ego wants him to tell me he loves me. My ego wants him to confess his desire for our relationship. My ego wants to be his wife, to take his name. My ego wants me to be proud to say "he's mine."
My soul, however, already knows. I need to get to a comfortable place where knowing that he loves me, that he is with me in spirit, that he is my spiritual husband already, that his is mine in the "now" is all that I need to move on. I've been kind of obsessing lately--not in the way I had been in the past. In this cycle, I've been trying to put all of my eggs into the basket of introspection, hoping that I would see something that would make this journey seem a little more clear, perhaps a little less painful and bewildering. The thing is, I can't take control over my knowing. I just have to know. I just have to feel. I just have to let go and allow myself to open up, fully, to the universe and its flow.
What does this teach me now? Well, there's definitely an element of respect for one another that I see, here. To be fair, that's something that I always felt didn't exist with my marriage. I always felt as though my ex and I were competing to be seen as "full" individuals, yet we couldn't get there because we were competing against the other, not working together as a team.
And now...
I don't have to be vulnerable anymore. I don't have to be frightened anymore. I don't have to obsess anymore. I don't have to judge his actions anymore. I think I've been trying to evaluate his actions this whole time, wondering Okay, when are you gonna get it and just freaking come to me?! But the reality is this: I have no place to judge from. I'm judging myself in that mindset. I'm using my ego to separate us. And, until now, I know I've said "we're one in the same soul," the impact of those words, that concept, just hit me. I really can stop focusing outward on the energies. If I focus within myself, within my heartspace, I can unlock that last, little part of me that I need to explore.
Namaste, my loved ones. May you find the keys you need to unlock those special (formerly secretive
) places in your heart.
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