The Dance of Twin Flame Energy

"When you were very young, you lived in spaciousness. Life danced through you. Then slowly, as you reacted to the challenges in your life, you got tighter and smaller until you ended up in a bubble of struggle. This is where most people live, cut off from being fully alive!

We all long to be awake to Life. We long for the spaciousness of being, for it is our natural state. In order to see this, recognize that Life loves spaciousness, in fact, it permeates Life. Take a moment to open to the vastness all around you."

-Mary O'Malley

It's funny because my TF and I have a fave past time of slow dancing in his living room after a night out. There's just something about the late night hours, putting on slow music and dancing like you're back at a high school dance. It's magical, actually.

This past week, I've been gaining some insights regarding the "dance" of the TF energies. The words that I received are: dance and exchange. The overall concept that I'm getting is to release the deep pain that has led us to the lives we live today, in the present. With both the words and the overall concept, the theme I'm tuning into is to understand how truly interconnected with are with our TF energies and that there are aspects of our histories that have led us to this exact place in our lives for a reason. We are right there, at the precipice of meeting our TF in physical reunion, but we have that final push to get us over the edge--to fall into the unknown like The Fool.

Many light workers/healers are suggesting that this week is a time to do some additional interior work on the ego and to release pains that we may not have fully acknowledged yet. When I heard this, I thought "SERIOUSLY?! THERE'S MORE?!" FML.

Then, yesterday at a training for investigating sexual violence/misconduct cases, the trainer began to discuss the aspects of abusive relationships. As she described the dynamics of "power and control" to the group, the memories of my abusive relationship began to creep into my mind. I was in an abusive relationship in college, and while he never hit me, the abuse was severely psychological and emotional. Truth be told, I was so mentally beaten down that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had gone from a strong, independent, determined young woman to someone who was meek, non-social, and wholly complicit to the demands of her romantic partner. I surrendered every, single ounce of my power to this man.

As the trainer continued to give examples of this kind of abuse, I started to receive flashbacks of his violent outbursts--and, more importantly (and painfully), the way I felt when he'd direct this seething anger and resentment towards me. Abuse--whether it be physical, verbal or nonverbal (I had a lot of verbal and nonverbal threats)--is extremely damaging to the psyche. The greatest crime of this experience was that I never fully let myself recover from this past trauma. I told myself, repeatedly, that it was over, that he couldn't hurt me anymore. But then it hit me: in truth, I had let my abuser control me for the last 13 years. Talk about a sobering realization. I started to cry.

I had to excuse myself for a moment from training. When I got to the bathroom, I completely broke down, tears streaming down my face, chest pounding, weeping out loud for the woman I was, for the woman I had allowed myself to become. In that moment, I realized that I was divorced, in part, because I entered into a marriage that I thought was safe, yet I never allowed myself to feel safe enough to disclose the ways in which I was hurt by my abuser. This resulted in having a lot of kept secrets and unspoken pains/resentment when my husband would say something--in jest--that sounded like something similar to what my abuser might say, but not as a joke. For example, when I'd go out, my abuser would say "You're an alcoholic" or "You're getting drunk so you can fuck a bunch of guys later." If my ex-husband would make a joke about me going out with friends and say I'm "a real booze hound," it'd trigger me, making me feel dirty and ashamed of my (very very NORMAL behavior). I never told my ex-husband what happened, so he could never connect his words as potential "triggers." Thus, I let my abuser continue to take away my power by minimizing my past trauma, and I continued to silence the voice of my past in fear that it would, somehow, hurt me again. Well, it did hurt me; neglecting to be self-revealing led me to that very chair, in that very room, in that very training, as a newly divorced 30-something.

This realization was extremely sobering, and it made me understand how one incident that occurred years ago could still haunt you in the present.

If I extend this compassion and empathy outwards, I can see how my TF may be affected by his past. It's so easy to fall into the trappings of our own history and not see that who we are in the present may very much be connected to what happened to us in the past.

THE DANCE

I have been getting the feeling that my TF is going through his own realizations of past-present dynamics. I also get the feeling that we are going through these emotions together, that we are shedding layers of ourselves at the same time. The dance refers to the way we interact with our environment and how we essentially connect outwards with it--eventually connecting this energy to one another.

Our energies are constantly exchanging messages and vibrations. We are continuously connected and working on ourselves but in different ways. I am never "better" than my TF; we are the same. Lately, I've been sending out my love to him through his higher self, and we've been successfully communicating through that method of communication. I'm happy with it. Sure, I have moments of sadness, but they are increasingly brief and easy to let go of!

I realized today that I need to get to a place where I'm not triggered by the lack of him, or if I were to be in his presence, I'll need to be still, calm, centered, balanced. I need to be more and more in my knowing.

When we "dance" with our TF, we exchange all of who we are, and we dance with their energies 24/7. What you're feeling is REAL. What you're sensing is REAL.

The biggest thing for me to overcome right now is the faith and knowing. When I think about all of the Twin Flame blogs I've read or the vlogs I've listened to, I'm reminded that...it doesn't matter what others say. I hear a voice: Jessica, you don't need someone else to confirm what you already know. It's not about them; it's about YOU. And that's a message for us for the TF journey. It really isn't just about them coming to you; it's about who, what and where YOU are. <3