New Acquaintances: Meeting Yourself Again

Oh, wonder!

How many goodly creatures are there here!

How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world,

That has such people in ’t!

-The Tempest, Act V, Scene I

We're entering a sphere of energy where we are forced to encounter ourselves in a new light. From the affects of the Flower Moon in Scorpio, this is a time for deep introspection. Particularly, I feel that this time calls for us to inspect our relationships with our "dark mother" relationships. For my TF and myself, this is a time to heal those bonds of the mother-child relationship and to release the past pains and hurt from this relationship. 

I know that, from our brief discussions of mother-child interactions, it seems that we share the same narrative of taking care of the mother. In some instances, there is the sense of obligation to be the friend of the mother and the nurturer of the mother. This becomes, for me, the "dark mother" relationship that creates a co-dependent dynamic, which permits the mother to use the energy of the child, rather than the mother nurturing the child so that they may be free to enjoy life on their own terms. In my personal history, I spent many, many years harboring resentment for my mother for having "used" my energy as friend, confidant and counselor. It can be so damaging to be the person who's taking care of the parent who is embarking upon a journey of self-destructive behavior and/or not taking responsibility for their (adult) behaviors. In some cases, leaning on the child for healing (instead of confronting the need to heal on their own) can incite feelings of additional burden and pain. In other words, we (as children) become the bearers of the pain and suffering that our mothers are feeling and experiencing. No one should ever have to bear the pain of someone else; in fact, it is our mothers who are supposed to nurture their children to go out into the world and seek their own fulfillment. Because we're "good children," however, we bear the burden of the mother both with feelings of obligation, concern and empathy--but there are also underlying sensations of resentment, anger, pain, guilt and inner-conflict. 

Over the past, few months, I've been letting go of that anger and resentment that I've built up over the last 10 years with my mother. God, it's been 11 years, actually, since my mother began to use our relationship more as a friend/counselor rather than as a mother-daughter dynamic. This hurt me, hurt us, tremendously. I always knew there was damage done to our relationship, but I didn't realize how much energy I was putting into that resentment until I had to move in with my mom pending my divorce. I had positioned my former marriage as a "buffer zone," where I could separate myself from my mother and judge her from afar. My ex-husband and I would discuss my mother's actions not with an air of understanding, but rather, from a vantage point that named her as "unstable," or "crazy" or "abusive." Surely, our relationship had fallen into an unhealthy--yes, sometimes abusive--dynamic. I can admit that now without being overly sad about it. It happened, but it's okay. It wasn't her intention to hurt me or take advantage of my support in our relationship. There is not manual on either raising a child or on being a child. Thus, forgiveness and healing is the only way out of this cycle of (co)dependency. 

For my TF, I believe that his cycle of dependency was a codependent relationship. If you allow the parent to use your energy to hinder you from goals, dreams or overcoming life challenges, then it can become a codependent relationship based in the dark mother (or father) dynamic. 

We are also meeting ourselves again. 

To elaborate, there has been much energy on healing (self)destructive behavior.What do I mean by this? Let me give you an example: When I get drunky, I tend to be more...open. I don't change my true feelings--they just come out. Drinking does lower our threshold of inhibition. There has been research that suggests either side of the coin--that we let out our true emotions in some cases or that we say things we don't really mean. Personally, I can't identify with the person who speaks mistruths when intoxicated, but that's not for me to validate or evaluate. Instead, let's play this game: Imagine navigating life with a personality that has been shaped to keep inside emotions and feelings. Imagine I'm a man who has been told that any kind of emotion is a weakness and a threat to my masculinity. So I hide my emotions all the time. Each day. Every day. But, on the weekends, when I drink, I open up. Imagine you are a walking, talking emotional geyser. Instead of a healthy balance of being open, I go from maximum close-off mode to maximum open mode. It's like constantly allowing pressure to build and then, instead of having a healthy control over your exertion of emotion, it comes out--full force. Maybe, then, there are things that are said that aren't really meant. Maybe, then, you find that you're saying things that you aren't really sure you believe because, in your sober life, you don't allow yourself to consider them as real possibilities. Even though they are. They are. Trust me, they are. 

In my situation, I'm the victim of drunk emotional geysers. Or, you can say I'm a survivor of drunk emotional geysers. It's a painful victimization that led me to lack trust in him even if, when sober, he may indicate real emotion. In some ways, I inflicted a negative consequence to true emotion. (Shit, I just now realized this as I typed it.) Either way, looking at this dynamic has helped me understand how impactful this energy shift may truly be. Also, it helps me understand the patience that I must insert into my current mindset. I believe that the divine masculine is considering the realness of a relationship with his divine feminine, and instead of looking at it as a fantasy, he's seeing it as a true possibility. This can be a huge shift and challenge for many of our DMs who have sublimated their emotions for fear that they will, somehow, be subjugated to criticism or will be let down if they open themselves up to trusting the DF. This is heavy stuff!

Nevertheless, getting to know yourself through a different lens--whether it be in healing your inner child or healing your emotional core--is a difficult journey. However, it's also necessary to undergo on the path to unconditional love. 

My message, thus, is to hold your unconditional love for yourself and your beloved. Allow yourself to feel the "feels" (as talked about in the prior blog) when you encounter tears or fears. Allow yourself to acknowledge the pain that you've experienced with parents and, then, release it. Forgive it. Let it go. Appreciate that, perhaps our parents will never be who we want them to be, but they may just be exactly who we need them to be. 

I will continue to hold space for my divine masculine, as I know that he's working on getting to know himself in a different mindset. I know that I say that I don't have 'hope' anymore, but I do hope that he's working on these things because I know they'll unlock his true selfhood, his phenomenal potential. He deserves to see how amazing he truly is. He deserves to imagine what he wants--sober. He deserves everything. We all deserve everything. All of us. You. 

So, when your TF sees you again, you may have to think: "It's good to see you again. Nice to meet you."