Woe is Me: When you're giving too much to your twin flame
I love this person, so I will do whatever it takes to love them.
Yes, that was my mindset until recently. In the TF runner/chaser dynamic, they say that the one who isn't as spiritually awakened will run. The other, the more awakened twin, will stay and chase after them. I know for damn sure I'm the chaser. But, I'm also the runner.
I have to admit: this dynamic was hard for me to understand. How can I run away from myself if I'm sitting here, doing a shit ton of introspection, trying to engage my inner-selfhood to reveal its mysteries to me so that I can learn these valuable lessons. If only it were that easy.
I realized, over the weekend, that I was running from myself. My TF and I are in the runner/chaser flux of "let's be friends" then "let's be lovers" then "I love holding you." You know the drill. I realized I was running because I started to buy into the "let's be casual right now" scenario. I stopped talking a lot about my strengths and found myself discussion my weaknesses because I was afraid that my strong, dominant personality would continue to scare him away. I let my star fade in front of him because I thought he'd feel brighter.
I am so stupid.
Well, I know I'm anything but stupid! Trust me. My behavior, on the other hand, was stupid. After I came home from being with him a few nights ago, I thought I had totally played it cool. I thought I had finally shifted some of the energy. I thought we were, perhaps, making some progress. We weren't. We didn't. What I was successful in doing was allowing myself to appear less special, and in doing so, I made him feel less special. Because he likes that I'm smart, funny, kind, successful, ambitious. He's the one who points these characteristics out to me!
I am/was running from myself because I wasn't loving myself the way I'd want him to love me. It's that simple.
After having realized this, then, my heart set into panic mode. MAJOR panic mode. I even started reading a book to help me understand emotionally unavailable men. Seriously?! I am a confident, self-assured, ambitious, forthright, honest, open-minded, caring, loving, thoughtful, responsible and successful woman. Why am I hinging my happiness or satisfaction upon fear of being rejected? Even just this past weekend, I was telling my girlfriends that I realized I didn't need a man to tell me these things about myself anymore, that I could provide this assurance to myself. Admittedly, I have a problem with feeling worthy of love. And I also have a compulsion, at times, to seek approval from men. I take pleasure in being desired. (Who doesn't?!) Yet the yearning to be desired became a central part to my feminine identity: use your femininity to get what you want, whatever you want, when you want it. For the most part, this is strategy works. I'm a super performer and can pick up others' personalities very quickly. Thus, I know exactly how to work a crowd--any crowd! Not even lying; I'm one of those people who could be plopped into a luxurious spa at a 5 star hotel, or holed-up in hunting camp for the weekend, or at international symposium to speak about my graduate lecture on postmodern social identity philosophy--and I'd fit in just fine. In fact, my boss tells me that this is my super power. It's a power alright.
Understanding this part of me lends itself to the lesson that I need to learn: this feminine performance for the sake of emotional (temporary) gratification is not healthy. Not only that, but in the TF workings, one should concentrate on recognizing the ego and releasing it from its desires, as if to say: "You're enough for yourself. You have access to unlimited potential of love if you understand how special and unspecial you are at the same time." In other words, you and I are are no different, nor are we more important to the world than others. Each human shares in the same light, the same universal love. Therefore, the identities we create are boundaries that we set for ourselves. Yet, the boundaries are illusory, a fantasy. Boundaries of selfhood are not real! What is real? The love and light in each of us! That is our true nature.
Back to my dilemma with my TF. I realize, now, that running from the self does not mean that you're not working on loving yourself. Trust me, I work on this shit every.single.day. Running from the self, for me, led me down a path of putting myself down to be "closer to him" (by the way, what the hell am I thinking that he's not on 'my level'?!). I think back on those moments and I realize that I was lowering my vibration on purpose. Interestingly, lowering my vibration was exactly the dynamic that I had with my ex-husband. Am I really prepared to go down this same road again? Hell no! Snap out of it, woman! Get it together!
Without being too hard on myself, I am allowing this to be a mistake that I can learn from. And to be honest, yes: my TF relationship has been teaching me extreme quantities of lessons. I feel like I'm in an emotional crash course at night school. Yet, it's okay. I fretted all day Sunday about whether or not he'll run, and my self-help book didn't do me any favors either. I completely crumbled and felt as though my reluctance to shine in front of him gave him a bad "gut reaction." Nevertheless, yes; he has pulled away from me. Again.
I realize that my lesson is not only to let go of my "need" for male approval, it's to establish healthy boundaries for myself. When you're the chaser and a major empath (as I am), you are extremely tuned-in to your TF. I understand and know things about my TF that he hasn't ever told me; I know these things about him because I can see his soul, his light. Therefore, when this happens, I focus on what I know is inside of him and not on his actions which demonstrate how he values me (or doesn't value me). Love is a beautiful thing, indeed--but only when it's displayed in loving actions, gestures and open arms. Giving pieces of myself away to him is not the best way to bring him back to me. In fact, I think this may make him run away even more. However, I cannot be too hard on myself. I have to use this as a moment to step-back and truly reassess my life, my relationship patterns and my emotional boundaries. If I assume he's not worthy of me, then I have inadvertently told him that I'm not worthy of him, either. If I assume he wants to feel less nervous or inferior to me because of his "masculine pretenses" and then I use some self-effacing humor to 'bring myself down,' I've told him that I'm not special. And if I'm not special, then neither is he.
So what's a gal to do now? Well, wait. And make no more (initial) advances. Work on building myself back up again and letting the world see me for all that makes me shine. Ask for a commitment event if he's not ready yet because it's important to me. He needs to know that I respect myself enough to have standards.
Trust me: the sychronicities are always around me, guiding me down this path with him. I need to work on not fearing the eventual outcome--that he will come back to me. But not until I'm ready to be the best me. For me.
Yes, that was my mindset until recently. In the TF runner/chaser dynamic, they say that the one who isn't as spiritually awakened will run. The other, the more awakened twin, will stay and chase after them. I know for damn sure I'm the chaser. But, I'm also the runner.
I have to admit: this dynamic was hard for me to understand. How can I run away from myself if I'm sitting here, doing a shit ton of introspection, trying to engage my inner-selfhood to reveal its mysteries to me so that I can learn these valuable lessons. If only it were that easy.
I realized, over the weekend, that I was running from myself. My TF and I are in the runner/chaser flux of "let's be friends" then "let's be lovers" then "I love holding you." You know the drill. I realized I was running because I started to buy into the "let's be casual right now" scenario. I stopped talking a lot about my strengths and found myself discussion my weaknesses because I was afraid that my strong, dominant personality would continue to scare him away. I let my star fade in front of him because I thought he'd feel brighter.
I am so stupid.
Well, I know I'm anything but stupid! Trust me. My behavior, on the other hand, was stupid. After I came home from being with him a few nights ago, I thought I had totally played it cool. I thought I had finally shifted some of the energy. I thought we were, perhaps, making some progress. We weren't. We didn't. What I was successful in doing was allowing myself to appear less special, and in doing so, I made him feel less special. Because he likes that I'm smart, funny, kind, successful, ambitious. He's the one who points these characteristics out to me!
I am/was running from myself because I wasn't loving myself the way I'd want him to love me. It's that simple.
After having realized this, then, my heart set into panic mode. MAJOR panic mode. I even started reading a book to help me understand emotionally unavailable men. Seriously?! I am a confident, self-assured, ambitious, forthright, honest, open-minded, caring, loving, thoughtful, responsible and successful woman. Why am I hinging my happiness or satisfaction upon fear of being rejected? Even just this past weekend, I was telling my girlfriends that I realized I didn't need a man to tell me these things about myself anymore, that I could provide this assurance to myself. Admittedly, I have a problem with feeling worthy of love. And I also have a compulsion, at times, to seek approval from men. I take pleasure in being desired. (Who doesn't?!) Yet the yearning to be desired became a central part to my feminine identity: use your femininity to get what you want, whatever you want, when you want it. For the most part, this is strategy works. I'm a super performer and can pick up others' personalities very quickly. Thus, I know exactly how to work a crowd--any crowd! Not even lying; I'm one of those people who could be plopped into a luxurious spa at a 5 star hotel, or holed-up in hunting camp for the weekend, or at international symposium to speak about my graduate lecture on postmodern social identity philosophy--and I'd fit in just fine. In fact, my boss tells me that this is my super power. It's a power alright.
Understanding this part of me lends itself to the lesson that I need to learn: this feminine performance for the sake of emotional (temporary) gratification is not healthy. Not only that, but in the TF workings, one should concentrate on recognizing the ego and releasing it from its desires, as if to say: "You're enough for yourself. You have access to unlimited potential of love if you understand how special and unspecial you are at the same time." In other words, you and I are are no different, nor are we more important to the world than others. Each human shares in the same light, the same universal love. Therefore, the identities we create are boundaries that we set for ourselves. Yet, the boundaries are illusory, a fantasy. Boundaries of selfhood are not real! What is real? The love and light in each of us! That is our true nature.
Back to my dilemma with my TF. I realize, now, that running from the self does not mean that you're not working on loving yourself. Trust me, I work on this shit every.single.day. Running from the self, for me, led me down a path of putting myself down to be "closer to him" (by the way, what the hell am I thinking that he's not on 'my level'?!). I think back on those moments and I realize that I was lowering my vibration on purpose. Interestingly, lowering my vibration was exactly the dynamic that I had with my ex-husband. Am I really prepared to go down this same road again? Hell no! Snap out of it, woman! Get it together!
Without being too hard on myself, I am allowing this to be a mistake that I can learn from. And to be honest, yes: my TF relationship has been teaching me extreme quantities of lessons. I feel like I'm in an emotional crash course at night school. Yet, it's okay. I fretted all day Sunday about whether or not he'll run, and my self-help book didn't do me any favors either. I completely crumbled and felt as though my reluctance to shine in front of him gave him a bad "gut reaction." Nevertheless, yes; he has pulled away from me. Again.
I realize that my lesson is not only to let go of my "need" for male approval, it's to establish healthy boundaries for myself. When you're the chaser and a major empath (as I am), you are extremely tuned-in to your TF. I understand and know things about my TF that he hasn't ever told me; I know these things about him because I can see his soul, his light. Therefore, when this happens, I focus on what I know is inside of him and not on his actions which demonstrate how he values me (or doesn't value me). Love is a beautiful thing, indeed--but only when it's displayed in loving actions, gestures and open arms. Giving pieces of myself away to him is not the best way to bring him back to me. In fact, I think this may make him run away even more. However, I cannot be too hard on myself. I have to use this as a moment to step-back and truly reassess my life, my relationship patterns and my emotional boundaries. If I assume he's not worthy of me, then I have inadvertently told him that I'm not worthy of him, either. If I assume he wants to feel less nervous or inferior to me because of his "masculine pretenses" and then I use some self-effacing humor to 'bring myself down,' I've told him that I'm not special. And if I'm not special, then neither is he.
So what's a gal to do now? Well, wait. And make no more (initial) advances. Work on building myself back up again and letting the world see me for all that makes me shine. Ask for a commitment event if he's not ready yet because it's important to me. He needs to know that I respect myself enough to have standards.
Trust me: the sychronicities are always around me, guiding me down this path with him. I need to work on not fearing the eventual outcome--that he will come back to me. But not until I'm ready to be the best me. For me.
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