Broken Hearts, Healing Hearts: A Story of Twin Flames

Run free, my love. Run free.

I met my Twin Flame years ago--around 20 years ago, in fact. I've known him in many capacities: teacher, friend, colleague. But only until 3 months ago did I find him as lover. As love. My love. My heart.

I remember the day we reconnected as though it were yesterday. My (ex) husband and I had separated, and I had a new-found surge of energy and freedom. I wondered: "are there people out there who I think I should be with, rather than who others think I should be with? Who are those people in my life that I've always been drawn to, but never connected with, romantically (but always wanted to)?" And then it hit me: him. That guy. We'll call him TF. It was a Friday afternoon, and I was near his office that day for another project. Out of nowhere, I had the strongest urge to stop in to say "hi" after not having seen him for--gosh--maybe 6 years? It just felt like something I had to do.

I definitely surprised him, that's for sure. And I looked good that day, not gonna lie. And when I stopped in to say hi, he stood there for a moment, frozen, stunned to see my face, and we hugged and said hello. Later, people asked him if I was his girlfriend--he laughed. After we hugged and said our initial greetings (like "what are you up to today?"), things got a little weird...because he was nervous. So nervous. I remember thinking, "What the hell is going on here? I mean, shouldn't he be happy to see me?" Well, turns out, he was. Very happy. We chatted for a bit, and then I had to go. I told him maybe I'd stop back later in the afternoon after my appointments, but honestly, I forgot. My social calendar was pretty full at the time, and I had a networking happy hour to get to.

But later that night, after my happy hour, I texted him. I told him that I was single, ready to go out, and that I wanted to see him. We exchanged some witty, slightly inappropriate banter, and then we decided on getting together over the Thanksgiving holiday. He made it a point to tell me he was single--very single. I made the joke that I wanted to use him for his body and personality--after all, I was fresh out of the starting gate when it came to the pseudo-single lifestyle. I wasn't interested in a commitment, just an experience. And so, there it was. We'd get together, have some drinks, maybe some meaningless sex and witty repertoire.

November didn't work out, but December did happen. He took me out. I told him my whole situation--that I was separated and that I was still in counseling with my husband. I was honest when I said I didn't think it was going to work, but that I thought no matter what, counseling would be good for us. To me, I felt like this was a "fake date" (I did call it that!), and I told him to take me out, that he didn't have to try and to pretend like I was a "sure thing." Hey, in my mind, I was! Again: I wanted to have fun, experience this kind of personality, and laugh. I knew that if there was ever anyone I could "let loose" with, it'd be him. It's one of the things I love about him most.

We had the best time that night. We laughed, talked, joked, confessed things. We made out. We slow danced in his living room. He told me things. I told him things. I spent the night. We didn't have sex. Instead, we held each other. All night. It was the only time I've ever, ever, ever, ever done that. With anyone. And it felt...so right. So perfect. Like coming home.

The next day, we both had to be up early and it was a kind, sensual departure. I remember feeling bewildered, like: Okay, how did I end up actually really, really liking this guy? Isn't he just supposed to be the fun fling to get me over the end-of-marriage hump? But there it was: I liked him. Like, really liked him. Was surprised by him. Wanted to know more about him. Wanted to spend more time with him. Wanted him.

This is where our journey begins. It begins at the point in which you realize that this person--this unexpected soul--is a gift. He was a gift to me from the universe, and I have treasured his soul ever since. We stayed in contact over the next, few weeks, but things got a little hairy. See, what I didn't realize about TF is that he is, well, a good guy. Like, a guy that has morals and stuff? Yeah. He didn't want to have sex with a married woman, and he did want me--for real. So, if he was going to start something with me, he'd want it to be as honorable as possible. As adult as possible. I can't fault him for that, but let me tell you: it threw me for a complete loop. Lesson #1: patience is a virtue.

Sparing inane details, I felt him slipping away from me after our inexplicably lovely night together. Finally, I thought: Maybe I should just tell him that I like him, that I think these feelings are real. Maybe I should just be honest and allay his fears that I'm not just 'rebounding,' that I really do like him. So I did. And then: the bubble.

For those of us who aren't as familiar with Twin Flame connections, the bubble love phase is apparently something that TFs experience at first; it's as though the relationship or coming together is designed by fate. It feels perfect. It feels amazing. It feels unlike anything you've experienced before with another human being. It feels...honest. It's not the obsessive, infatuated love haze that perhaps you've experienced with the cute, older guy in high school. Instead, it's this warm, deep, penetrating feeling that draws out the most inner, secretive parts of your personhood. It's beautiful and unnerving at the same time. It's safe and terrifying. It's blissful and earth-shattering. It's an awakening of your soul. It was something that was meant for me. For us.

Over the next, few weeks, I found myself writing more and more about the 'gifts' he brought to me. He brought to me the idea that love can happen between two people, that love is ultimate freedom. True, unconditional love is the kind of love that you give someone the freedom to love as themselves, for themselves. It does not have expectations. It does not try to stifle you; it simply is. He brought to me the gift of "letting your freak flags fly." (ha!) True story. He's got some freak flags. And I love them all.

Then he gave me the gift of letting go.

On letting go: not even exaggerating here, but I suddenly felt free from the past that bound me to my old life, my old beliefs, my old relationships and belongings. Suddenly, it was as though the world was buzzing with energy, and I knew that my true purpose could only be discovered if I let go of the things I once thought were so important. The thing is, a house is just a house. A table is just a table. A neighborhood is just a neighborhood. If you don't have love, nothing else fucking matters. I knew it, then, that love was all I needed. He was all I needed. Love was all we ever needed.

But I never told him those things. I've never told him about all the lessons he's helped me learn. I've never told him that I felt as though he's a gift to me. I couldn't: he ran.

I can write more in later postings about the running part, but I can tell you about the part where I knew that this was not something to be ignored or forgotten. Throughout our bubble phase, we communicated regularly, even if we didn't see each other in the physical the entire time. He was always on my mind. He was always in my heart. In fact, I took to calling him "my heart." I don't know why--and this was before I even knew or thought of Twin Flames! But I called him my heart. Because...I loved him. He was my heart. My favorite thing is (or was) to lie next to him, lay my head on his chest, and to listen to his heart beat at night. Even now, I hear it.

Fast forward three months into this journey, and I'm not sure where we are except for the runner/chaser phase. However, I can say this: I am truly working on letting go of the push/pull. I know there are many things both of us need to work on to make this truly work. I know that this love has cracked my soul wide open, and I'm the one who is spiritual, who believes in spiritual guidance, angels and spirit guides to help me along the way. For him? I'm not so sure, to be honest. I can only imagine that it's not easy for him. At all. It has to be excruciating to live your adult life without a romantic partner, always running away from commitment, and then: to find the one who you've been waiting for is lying right next to you. Terrifying, I'm sure.

And that's the other thing: you see, if I've learned anything through this journey thus far, it's that I have to simply send love. Unconditional love. Not judge. Not take it personally if he pulls away from me. To not try to force him into a commitment that he's not ready to accept. And meanwhile, what do I have to work on? My career, my professional future, being independent, living on my own and handling my finances like a responsible adult. I need to address all of these things--these things that he does well. In return, as a mirror, he needs to work on opening up his heart, loving himself, and understanding that to love someone is, paradoxically, the greatest freedom we can experience. To be loved unconditionally means that we are forever free to be ourselves.

My hope for us is that we can transcend the fear that keeps us apart. My hope for us is that we can continue on this path and continue to let love be the language we speak. I feel it in my heart so strongly; I know that letting go of this love is impossible. But letting go of the expectations of "traditional" love is.

So run free, my love. Run free. I hope that you will come back to me someday, but I love and support you even if you never do.

Namaste.