Letting Go: Why it is important for me to surrender the desire of union

When I let go of who I am,

I become who I might be.

-Lao Tzu

I have wanted union so badly--so badly that I feel as though I had been nursing an open, bleeding wound. It heals each day and is re-opened each day. It bleeds enough for me to still go throughout my daily life, and it bleeds enough for me to know I'm injured. Still: it bleeds.

Then, one day, I decided that I didn't want to have this wound any longer.
I decided that it was time to heal.

I went through a very dark period of introspection in July after returning from a conference. While away, I connected to "zero point" space within my heart center, a place where everything and anything is possible. But it was only a glimpse of this place, not the actual place itself. I saw a post card of it and imagined myself there, but it wasn't me who took the picture, made the post card and mailed it to a friend. Speaking of friends, it was actually a friend who helped me realize that what I thought was detachment from (re)union was, actually, not detachment. To be sure, this set me upon a course of deep introspection; I found myself in deep, dark places in my soul that I hadn't had the courage to seek out before. It was utterly deflating. Painful. Difficult. Physically uncomfortable. And there were plenty of tears.

So I had to let go of my expectation of union. I can't care about it anymore. If it is meant to be, it will be. I feel like I've cast out love into the universe like I cast out the hook on a fishing line. What I catch, however, is up to the universe to manifest. I cannot go about this journey thinking that I know how or when or if I'll connect with my twin again, if my hook is baited for him and whether or not he'll take it.

I realize, now, that I had shut myself off from the world around me with hopes that romance and love would bring me my twin's love--soon or eventually. What this did was kept me within a limited view and a limited reach in the world. So...I've decided to open myself up to love. To date. To be open to dating. To not be afraid of experiencing love with someone that isn't my twin.

Well, let me be clear (and "clear" means "human"); I didn't want to give up this wound. I had grown attached to this pain. I let this wound become part of my daily routine, so getting rid of it was somewhat scary. This is the human part of me--the part that wants to acknowledge that my transition process was not easy, nor was it completely intentional.

I came to realize that this journey really is all about the self, and through loving myself, I can still love my twin. Through becoming the woman I've always been meant to be, I allow for him to become the man he's meant to be. Further, I had to let go of thinking about where my twin was in his process of awakening. It doesn't really matter where, exactly, he resides upon the spectrum of knowing his divine masculine power. Through this realization, I came to understand what 'letting go' really means. It means that you must let go of your desire for union, for desire comes from a place of lack. You don't need union. You never need union. 

All this time, I have heard and uttered the phrases "anything you need, you have within yourself. Union is within. You are already in union in the 5D." But let's be honest: physical union and spiritual union are not the same thing--they embody similar, yet different sensations and realms of consciousness. Also, union within the self is not the same as sharing a divine love with your counterpart. Having said this, however, it finally occurred to me that wanting union--thinking about it, craving it, trying to project when it will happen--was exactly what I needed to let go if I was to ever come into union. Instead of yearning for something on the (with)outside of myself, I needed to turn around and be appreciative of what I had within myself.This is something that each of us will do in our own time and not a minute before you're ready. 

Interestingly, I (very recently) reconnected with a guy I went to high school with--we are both divorced, both successful young(er) professionals. He has a fabulous sense of humor and makes me laugh harder than I have in such a long time. He's excited to go on a date with me. He's forthright and generous. He's enthusiastic and positive, confident, open to sharing his heartspace with another. I admit that I approach this connection cautiously--but only because I now know that I do not have to sleep with a man to feel good about myself. I know that I do not have to have his affection to feel whole or worthy of being loved. I know that the love I need really, truly is within myself. And that the more I choose to love myself, the more love enters my world in many, different ways. My relationship past is riddled with feelings of obligation to going on a date even though I'm not so sure about the guy--because what I was seeking was the attention. I would easily sleep with someone because I didn't put so much weight into the intimate bond of sex. Now, I see that I can take my time with sex. I don't have to put-out on the first date--and I don't want to. I am thankful to have learned these things about myself, to now know what I deserve and want in a relationship

Moving forward in my life right now is a very important step for me, I think. I feel like these past, few months have been the most painful and most trying experiences of my entire life. I feel like it was all necessary, too. Like it was meant to be. Like it needed to happen in order for me to be open to a future filled with love and happiness. Whether or not this connection with this new person comes to fruition, I don't know. Nor do I wish to put expectations upon it--another, new realization for me. I feel that by letting go of the future, I can live in my present. Finally. 

I now feel as though the connections and friendships I've made in this journey are not solely to be based in our twin flame journey--I think we've been brought together to lift one another up. To share in achievements that we make. To applaud one another for our successes. To celebrate our divine feminine power and the gifts we've been given in this lifetime.To share the lessons that we've learned along this journey. 

At the end of the day, I finally understand that this process really is about us, as individuals. Loving ourselves. Being enough for ourselves. Because we are enough. Because we are everything. Because we are love.